Monday, February 6, 2012

Big Freaking Emergency

I'll admit, the emergency you're about to read is totally a first world problem.  In no way is it an actual emergency in the big (or small) picture of life, but if you are looking for depth and social awareness.....well I have no idea why you read my blog.  I will leave that stuff for those far more intelligent and eloquent than me. 

Now back to my emergency!!!  I signed up for an oly tri, and while this isn't my first triathlon, it is my first of this distance.  For my shorter tris I did not have a wetsuit and really for those races I did not need one.  However, I also failed to put my face in the water and had total flip outs in the the open water.  How I am not currently decomposing at the bottom of Cherry Creek Reservoir is a mystery to me.  So I felt it was a prudent move to invest in a wetsuit so I can begin my open water torture  training earlier in the year.  Also, maybe the buoyancy of the suit would alleviate some of my fears surrounding, what I view as, my inevitable death in Colorado's drinking water.  It's worth a shot, right?

So I bought a wetsuit.  It was a smoking hot deal and cheaper than the used suits I found on Craigslist (you know, the ones that have been peed in already).  Well, what are you suppose to do before you buy a wetsuit, especially one that you CANNOT return?  Try it on of course.  How do I know this?  Because I did not do it.  No, I was a moron and checked the sizing chart and (optimistically) ordered my size....wait strike that...I ordered what used to be my size.  And for some reason I felt with the utmost confidence that this would fit me (unfounded optimism is my greatest strength...and weakness).

I eagerly awaited my package and on Friday night, despite the two feet of snow we had just gotten, the FedEx man dropped it off.  Score!  I pulled it out and held it looked mighty small.  Oh well, wetsuits are suppose to be tight, right?  While my kids turned the shipping box into a rocket ship, I ran upstairs to "slip"into my newest tri accessory.  15 minutes later I had come to the depressing realization that perhaps this wetsuit was too small...or maybe it was my butt that was too big.  It couldn't be that bad, right?  Well let me give you some visuals:

You get the point?  After an epic battle with the neoprene beast, the crotch was somewhere around my knees and the neck hole was right at boob level.  I don't think any amount of body glide is going to make this work.  Frankly, the whole incident left me feeling a little like this:

Remember my Thanksgiving debacle...well I am going to need to have the stomach flu for a couple of weeks to fit into that thing.  My butt was on probation before, but now it is on double secret probation (and bonus points if you can name the movie).  Every calorie is being counted, workouts will be more intense, I will not admit defeat!  Why?  I can't return that wetsuit! 

It might seem more logical to just sell this wetsuit and buy a (much) bigger one.  Maybe I am being ridiculous in my attempt to shed the pounds for a piece of equipment, but the truth is this is actually the kick in the pants I needed.  I have been saying yes to sweets far too often, drinking grande lattes more than I should, and phoning it in at the gym.  This behavior has left me a little more padded than I would like, and while it's probably great planning for the upcoming Mayan apocalypse, I just don't think it is the path I want to go down.

So I will keep you updated on Wetsuit Watch 2012.  I've got about 5 months until open water starts up.  Totally doable!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some celery to eat and burpees to perform (and also I need to google burpee because I actually have no idea what they just seems like something I hear skinny people talking about).

Who knows what a burpee is??

Got any first world problems you'd like to share?